FACE FORWARD
Dead, I should be dead
Covid kicked my ass is what I have said
A dripping shower faucet was my tolling bell
I ran from my trigger and found my own living hell
An intelligent, cognitively intact physician I may be
But mental illness knows no boundary
My whole life underlying anxiety pushed me to be the best
I had academic success, a five-star family and was happily surfing life’s crest
And then Covid induced isolation, faceless mask wearing and being trapped in a home with nothing to do but replace and repair
This all drove me to the edge of despair
My marriage slowly dissolved, the safety of my work was lacking, and my anxiety grew beyond my control
I felt trapped in my limited world like the lost soul swimming in an inescapable fishbowl
Forced to move out of the comforts of home, the deafening silence of loneliness left me on sanity’s edge
In and out of mental health facilities, the final decision ended up with me literally on a hotel’s balcony ledge
Leading up to my final decision of life versus death
There were 2 months of expending my potential last breath
I lived in rental cars, hotels, and even an abandoned warehouse
I mixed in the world of mental illness like a caged mouse
I have felt the pain of my homemade hangman’s noose around my neck
I have tried to drown myself as a total wreck
I have overdosed on a large handful of deadly pills
I have stared off a bridge hoping that such a fall kills
I have met a fellow inpatient who laughed about unsuccessfully taking a circular saw to his neck and chest
I have talked with too many sad souls seeking death’s final quest
Dehumanized in inpatient facilities without my own clothes nor shoelaces
I have seen the depth of human despair in multiple faces
Like so many I have been misdiagnosed, undertreated and often ignored
Trying to navigate the mental health world that remains inexcusably underexplored
I have at times felt like a respected member of society
While similarly having experiences with stigmatized mental health inequity
On the one hand people stop and hang on my words of advice
And on the other people look through me as though I was no better than a block of ice
Repeatedly I have asked for professional help and care when playing the part of cooperative patient stillness
Only to be told that there are no real answers in the world of mental health illness
After near 5 years of struggling mental health
I have seen a decline in my life’s wealth
Culminating in a two-month window early this year of total mental meltdown
I finally reached a point where it was my last step forward versus turn around
Face down climbing like Spiderman over the hotel balcony ledge trying to escape the cops
I had once last chance to make it all stop
Then the unknown deep-down spark of life that lives within us all
Found a voice in my mind that made my muscles stall
Hesitation saved my life and brought me back down
As the police arrested me facedown
I had made the unconscious correct choice
My soul finally had a voice
Through a miracle I subsequently found a diagnostic clue
My speech had left me behind in my rearview
Ativan dependent selective mutism was the diagnosis
Through dumb luck of taking Ativan I discovered a new prognosis
The condition is largely unknown and rare
The treatment is minimally accepted and the world around me does not care
I was forced to take high doses of the addictive drug just to be able to speak
Many medical care workers mocked me as if I were weak
For months I have tapered the drug down slowly
Finally the medical community and my work have stopped treating me like a medical mystery
On the verge of getting back to work and publishing my first book
I stand proud and forward do I now look
The past is the past, the future is unknown and today is a gift
So I say to one and all to give your chin a lift
Look bravely forward
Moving ever onward
Do not listen to negative voices
Nor make certain death choices
Seek to live life fully each moment
Taking the gift it is as a present
I believe that if I can make it through all this hell on Earth
And come of the dark tunnel filled with new mirth
Then each and every one of us deserves the best
Place your feet forward and accept the test
If you are struggling than hear my voice of hope
Dig in and begin to find your own way to cope
Best wishes to you all….
Rand Floyd
